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How to Give a Cat a Pill
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- Pick cat up and cradle it in
the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and
cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and
throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap,
cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish
bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail,
get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill
not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's
shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
rubber band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage
and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle
of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to
retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie the little bastard's front
paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of Scotch.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
order new table.
- Arrange for Humane Society to
collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
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